The 5 key rules for a good relationship

Reflecting now, I did so many things wrong in my past. Completely wrong. Don't understand me wrong, I'm only 24 now and I won't be able to tell you how life works, but I figured out what it needs to become strong in a relationship. And, I'm not only talking about a loving relationship between two people, I'll come to that, but the points apply to any relationship (friends, employer - employee, parents - children).

1. Honesty
Yes. Any relationship needs a good amount of honesty. I'm not talking about white lies (why you are five minutes late, talking to your boss about being stuck in a traffic jam when in reality you just didn't leave the house early enough; or the ultimate question of your girlfriend "Do I look fat in this dress?" - "No honey you look beautiful" - to all women here: Have you ever asked yourself why your man always thinks you're beautiful no matter what you wear? Want honest answers, ask your girlfriends, not your man. Don't bring him in that situation. lol).
I'm talking about pure honesty when it comes to the important stuff. Being able to tell the other person what you feel, what you think about a situation and what your ideas and plans in life are - this is the honesty you will need in order to build or maintain a relationship. If you messed up at work, being able to take responsibility for your action really shows how confident you are. And it shows that you are trustworthy that the other person will be able to deal with the situation in an appropriate way.
Side Note: Overreacting and being emotional mostly just happens because multiple little issues from the past days, weeks, months add up, then suddenly explode all at once - you will understand that if the overreacting person suddenly brings up things that bother him/her but have nothing to do with the current argument. Overreacting and being emotional is a sign that there was not enough honesty in the past, otherwise the situation would have been resolved when it occurred.

2. Support
We all need a shoulder to lean on sometimes. We all need support. No matter if its the dinner being made ready to eat after a long day at work, getting picked up after work, or just a simple compliment. Women need support, they need flowers and hugs. Men need support,  a nice massage for neck and shoulders after a long day or even just a compliment like "you look big" after he comes home from the gym. Being supportive shows appreciation of another. It says: "whatever your plan is, I will be there for you and do my best to help you finding success.“ Think about the last time you were supportive towards your partner, your friend, your boss, your employee, your client or any other family member.

3. Acceptance
Take someone or leave someone. But don't try to change him or her. People value acceptance. Someone trying to change us will make us feel like we are not good the way we are. No matter if its your best friend, your brother, your boss. Everyone is different and so are we. If we want to be able to express our true self, we have to accept the others.
This doesn't mean you have to keep living with your friend in a shared apartment while trying to accept the fact that he smokes in the kitchen. If you don't like smoking, you can still change the situation and move out. It also doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with a jealous person and try to love jealousy even though you hate it. We are all changing constantly. Don't give up on your friends, partners or family members - it might be a phase only, where they do things that you don't understand or like.
However Acceptance means also accepting one's own needs, wishes and desires. If something doesn't align with your own morals or ideas - maybe it's time to move on from that relationship. If you work in a job that totally exploits you and underpays you, quit. If you live in an abusive relationship, break up. You are never stuck in any situation.

4. Conversation
Yes, this one is crucial. You need to be able to talk. To your family members, siblings, your coworkers, your partner, to strangers. Being able to hold a clean conversation exchanging different opinions is so so so important. Unfortunately we never learned "conversation" in school: How to be an active listener, how not to interrupt the other person, how to respond in a good way. Good Conversations give us energy. We learn from good conversations. We understand each other and ourselves better after having a good conversation. A good conversation is like good sex.
An Argument starts in 99% of all cases as a conversation. Person A says something, Person B says the opposite. Simple as that but that's why we have wars on this planet. But how does a conversation turn into an argument? That's when the ego takes over and loads your part of the conversation with emotions. Catch yourself in these moments and become rational. It will help both you and your partner. Arguments simply drain your energy. Rather use that energy and go to the gym. Don't waste it on a stupid argument. Even if you "win" the argument, that doesn't make you richer or a better person.

5. Commitment
Last but not least, commitment is a big thing: If you are making plans with someone, commit to them. If you work for someone, you commit being there in time and putting effort into what you are doing. If you want to travel with a friend, you work out a plan, a route to finding the perfect location where both of you will enjoy the time. If you want to be in a loving relationship with someone, you commit to both adjustments and sacrifices. In almost all situations in live, getting something makes you automatically lose something else. That is probably the biggest commitment in life. Getting a fixed partner limits you in terms of dating other people. Moving to a different country makes it hard to see your family. Breaking up with someone lets you have the freedom to do what you want to do, but you will be alone.
Understanding this will never make you think about decisions the same again. Crazy but true: You will always lose if you win something. And you will always win, even if you lose.

Movie "Embrace" - Should we really say goodbye to the thigh gap

Yesterday I finally watched the movie 'Embrace'. What I like about it and what I don't like about it? Well, there are a few things...

Embrace is a movie, published in 2016, Trailer here. The main topic discussed in the movie is body-shaming, body loathing, excessive weight loss, and the daily struggle of all women to keep it up with what the media presents them: A lean and sexy but photoshopped model. 

The Body Image Movement is a fight for a natural and realistic body image. Women should see themselves as something positive and accept their bodies and learn to love them. This Movement started to redefine and rewrite the ideals of beauty. 

"Lose weight, reduce wrinkles, fight cellulite; we’re constantly told to fight a battle to be someone other than who we are. Women and girls are constantly lead to believe they’re not as good as they should be. And why? Because every day they feel they’re being judged on their appearance and how far away it is from an unachievable ideal.

At the Body Image Movement, we’re on a quest to redefine and rewrite the ideals of beauty. Our job is to harness and facilitate positive body image activism by encouraging women to be more accepting of who they are, to use positive language regarding their bodies and others, and to prioritise health before beauty. Our goal is to reach as many women as possible around the world and speak to them about how we can learn to fully embrace and love our bodies.

We say no to…

• Excessive “Photoshopping” of body images in the media
• Being programmed by the media and corporations into accepting unrealistic body images
• Prescribing to the notion that being a certain weight determines whether you’re healthy
• Sexualisation of girls in the media and modern culture
• The objectification of women
• Society and advertising preying on women’s insecurities"

And this is also what I like about the movie. It is time to fight this unrealistic ideal that the media presents us on every advertisement, the internet and every magazine. Every woman is different. We are not made like Barbie dolls. We are not all skinny, and we don't all have a classic 90/60/90 runway body. I like the idea that women encourage women to love their own bodies and accept themselves the way they are made. 

I see a lot of potential to prevent young women from getting an eating disorder. Advertisements are made to manipulate us. Every day. The Body Image Movement is made to bring this fact to our attention. Being aware of it is the first step to a new perspective - to a new way of self-reflection. 

The movie really shows us the negative side-effects of extreme dieting and how it is not healthy for our body and emotions to be skinny. There is always pressure to stay lean, to lose more weight and to become better and better in aesthetics. The movie also presents us women that are totally in peace with themselves. Women that love their curves. This is a really good aspect.

If I could bring up some critic, I'd say that one very important aspect is missing: The fact that obesity and a high body fat percentage (we are talking about someone that is clearly overweight) is not good for us. Simply for heath reasons we should try to be in a healthy weight, curves are ok, a little body fat is ok too, but not too much.
The same way they critique diets, they should critique overeating, binging and excessively packing on more and more weight. Every thing should be in balance, for our emotional and physical well-being.

I can see a second part of this movie that focuses more on long term aspects. I can understand that everyone has his or her ups and downs, and still: Emotional and physical stability and balance is something that is best for us. 

Us Women, we should finally stand strong and believe in ourselves. We are able to love ourselves. We are able to hold and keep a healthy weight. We don't need to compare ourselves to other women, we can see ourselves in the unique way we are.

In the end it doesn't matter if we have or if we don't have a thigh gap. It is nothing that we should care about. Happiness and Heath are aspects that are really important. A thigh gap is a trend that people care about in one year but not in the next one. It has nothing to do with health. It has nothing to do with happiness. Just embrace your legs as they are.

Less is more.

This post is probably more important to myself than to anyone else. Right now, there are a lot of changes in my life and at the same time, I feel like I’m turning around and around till I end where I am already right now. I feel like I’m moving a lot but nothing is moving.

And I want to share the solution with you, that I figured out just now.

Before I get to the point, I want to say one more thing. The fact, that I’m overthinking a lot of things is not new to me. And if you can relate to that, don’t worry. This is not a bad thing and I think it happens to all of us, who travel a lot. We travel in our minds. The more “new moments” we experience in the outside, the more we reflect in the inside. And it can be a big distraction. Some days I feel like I am very busy but I’d still need two or three more hours to sit on my blog, write a recipe or do simple work like the laundry.

And then I end up being frustrated. That I wasn’t able to finish a project or work on my ideas. Sometimes I even get upset about myself and I feel like I’m wasting my time instead of being productive. Oh the patience…

The truth is: Change or transition needs time. And this is a good thing. We are humans, and as humans we don’t like to get things ‘for free’ or too easy. We can’t really appreciate them. Think about the love: Nobody is interested in a person that is ‘too easy’ to get. We want to fight for love.

People that win the lottery spend most of their money in the first year after they won. They don’t appreciate the money. Only the money one works for is money that one really appreciates. 

The solution is 90% less is 10% more. And here is it again. The p-word we don’t like, ‘patience’.

Less is more. Short-cuts are no option. Slow down 90% and focus on the 10%. 

Focus on the 10% that bring joy to you, when it comes to your job. Really concentrate on them. If you don’t like what you do, but you enjoy talking to the customer, really focus on the communication. Here are the 10% that you focus on. And you will get really good on these 10% and it might be able to find a new job in the long term.

• Focus on the 10% of the healthy foods that you really enjoy eating and create recipes with them. These foods will become your new basis for a healthy lifestyle and the foundation for your diet. Talking about me, I love sweet potatoes. I could eat them every day. I also love chickpeas, avocados and tomatoes. So as long as there are sweet potatoes and chickpeas, avocados and tomatoes in the house, there is no excuse to eat unhealthy. 
• Find the 10% that you love to do in your relationship. If you love to cook for your partner, then really focus on that and put all your love into the food you prepare. Maybe decorate the food on the plate even nicer. Your partner is going to taste the difference. 
• Find the 10% of exercise and do more of it. You hate swimming and running and all you love is yoga? Then go for it and do yoga every day. Maybe you will try different styles after a while and evolve. There is no need for everyone to become a triathlete that runs, bikes, swims and goes to the gym. But if triathlons are your passion, then off with you on your bike, or whatever you will start with. 
• Find the 10% of your books that you love reading and read them again. You get way more out of it than if you would force yourself to read new books that you don’t enjoy reading. 
• Find the 10% of your friends that you love to meet and spend more time with them. 
• And last, but not least: Find the 10% of the day that are just for you. Don’t do anything else in these 10% than focusing on yourself. If this means taking a bath at night, or walking the dog or meditating. Maybe it means going for a run by yourself, maybe it means cooking some delicious food just for yourself. Maybe it means singing loud to the radio in the car. Amongst all, we should never forget to look after ourselves. Find at least 10% of the day that you have with yourself.

If you concentrate on the 10%, that you like and that you are good in, everything will become easier. It will help you transform into a better version of yourself. It will help you smile more, be healthier, fitter and comparing yourself to nobody else than you (in the past). 

You don’t need to forget about the 90%, but just take it easy. Focus on the 10% that you love and it will make a big difference.

How your wishes come true.

In a yoga class, I heard the following sentences: "Wishing or asking for something actually disconnects you more from becoming or having it, than not wishing or asking for it. The reason is, that when we wish or ask for something, we set the intention that we don't have it already."

This thought really sticks in my mind and since then, I have thought about it and I came to the following conclusion:

If you are realized, pray to get, what you need and not what you want. Because eventually it will come to you. What really helped me was getting conscious about my wishes. 

What you aim for, is not only what you direct your energy and motivation on, but also what lifts you up. Be very mindful. Be positive, and don't beg. Rather concentrate on being rightful. 

Remove the negatives. One person told me once: The universe does not understand 'No' or 'not'. Frame your sentence differently and avoid these words. For instance, you might wish for good health instead of getting sick.

Be specific. Wish for whatever you wish for, but when imagining your dream life, be as specific as possible. By doing that, you will automatically manifest it. Feel how you would feel if your wish would become true right now. 

Evil karma strikes back. Don't wish ill for anyone because it will hit you first. 

The next step is easy. Disconnect from your wish, once you have spoken or thought it. The reason is simple: The more we think about the wish, the more we fear that it might not come true. And again, the energy that is directed to the wish becomes rather negative than positive. By disconnecting from our wishes, we keep it neutral. 

Coming back to the very first idea, remember that whatever you want or need in your life is already yours. We just need to connect with it. For example, if you are looking for a good partner, treat yourself the way you want to be treated by him or her, and set the intention that whoever is connected on a deep level will come into your life. You are not waiting for an angel to fall down from heaven. This person already exists.  And he or she will come into your life. 

Establish the emotional basis and the feelings that you would have if your wish would come true right now, even if it seems to be far away. Right now is the time to set a positive intention.

Valentines Day?

We are now at that time of the year again when people go crazy in proclaiming their love for their loved ones on Valentine’s Day. But putting aside all the commercial hype, just what is really going on here?

If you are in a relationship, is it what you always dreamed about? And why should you only celebrate and demonstrate your love on just one day of the year?

The problem is, that after a while, you take each other for granted. It doesn't mean that your love for your partner is fading, it simply means, that there is a lack of effort that can have consequences.

And - it doesn't mean that your partner has to fulfill all of your needs and the other way round; be realistic - no one will ever be able to do that. 

A day like valentines day is a reminder of how important it is to show each other how precious the time is, you spent together. It gives us a chance to be proactive and show gratitude, and of course this can be any day, not only a random day in february. 

Here are some short and simple ways to do so. In my opinion they are very important.

1. Accept your partner just as they are.

He or she is a special being, with their own wonderful traits and unique gifts. Learn to appreciate the full package. Whatever they do, think, say or make, it ultimately makes them who they are. They are entitled to their own decisions.

2. Always be in integrity.
Tell your partner the truth, unconditionally, because honesty is the key of a good conversation. Trust can build a zone of safety and comfort with each other.

3. Get clear on what you want from the relationship.
Make the fulfillment of your short term and long term needs the criteria for choosing a partner and being in a relationship. Create and share a vision of your dream life together.

4. Resolve your differences as soon as they happen.
Conflict gets difficult when it doesn't get solved right away. The sooner you stop blaming and start talking, the better you feel. Never go sleep with an unresolved issue.

5. Let go of the past.
All relationships have their difficulties. Remember only the lessons learnt and forget the details. Weather the stormy moments, and savour the memory of sunny days. Remember what brought the two of you together in the first place. What attracted you to each other? What do you admire about your partner’s personality?

6. Have fun dating your partner regularly.
At this special date, putting each other first helps a lot. It will water your relationship like a plant, so it can grow.